Friday, September 22, 2006

It must take incredible strength to grow through and accept trials. To be able to look at something and say, "God intends this for me". I used to be in awe of that verse where it says that they glorified God that they could suffer for his name. And I still am. I get sick, I lose a friend, I have a crummy day at work, and it's, "How could you do this to me?" And then I start trying to outsmart him. I try to figure out ways to fool him into giving him what I want. I analize things to convince him that I've learned what he's teaching. And then mutter through my teeth that he's not helping. If that doesn't work, I beseech on the edge of sobbing, then I try "giving it to him". Which I'm very good at...if it means things go my way. Meanwhile, feeling doubt if he doesn't get on my agenda straight away.
Helps to look at things in perspective, of course. But in my little self absorbed world I find it hard not to feel as if the whole world is falling apart because, with my twenty years experiance, I think my world is.
Real prayer helps. Sometimes the bible helps. But isn't that half the problem? I cry to God to pick me up once I've fallen. then when he stands me up I think "cool," and yell my thanks over my shoulder as I walk away. I'm good now. Let me get busy with life until it throws me another punch in the face.
Punch in the face used loosely here. When he chooses to let me fall down it's pretty light stuff. I just like to look at what I think I should have and whine. I usually don't look at others. My hardknocks look like satin pajamas compared to what some have to go through. And I cringe to think of what a baby I can be about myself.
But, in the end he helps me pull myself up. He takes my hand and gets me there. I can't help but learn things after all. It's just a long slow process.

Monday, September 18, 2006

The blogging world has been incredibly slow these days. And I'm, clearly, just as guilty. Is it because everyone is preparing for and gettng back to fall schedules. Or trying to cram in the last of summer?
Whatever it is, I know I've had lots of random ideas come to me. Only to sit down and not want to launch into any of them. You'd think after a month of not posting I'd have something to say.
Well, I'm milking a lot of cows, as opposed to just a normal amount of cows. This, of course, shouldn't excite you much. I'm milking with a Mexican lady, who sings well cleaning up, laughs at the cows, and speaks to me in Spanglish. An experiance that I don't get enough of.
Megan has come home from Asia. And it is so nice have her back. But too quickly things settle back into how they have been. And I watch her growing into life.
It does make me wish I had a trip like that for my own. I long for adventure. There is far to much world for me to ever see all that I want to. But my time is coming.
I don't want to settle down. But something about winter coming does make me want to hibernate, of sorts. It makes me think of wood heat, hot chocolate after coming in from the cold, family, crisp air, and a harvest safetly stored away. it makes me wish I could just be a kid. Where as summer makes me want to just be a teenager. Either way, neither makes me want to hold a job. A job that I'm so accustomed to that as much as it has little variations, it remains rather boring. So to speak. Although, comfort can have plenty said for it. If that's what you thrive on. But, I must admit that man was made to work. Or do something.
So what has changed? Not much, either on the outside or the inside. Oh, sure, things are never the same when you get right down to it. At least not at twenty. Maybe that comes. We'll have to wait and see.
But, really, who would want it anyway?