Friday, September 22, 2006

It must take incredible strength to grow through and accept trials. To be able to look at something and say, "God intends this for me". I used to be in awe of that verse where it says that they glorified God that they could suffer for his name. And I still am. I get sick, I lose a friend, I have a crummy day at work, and it's, "How could you do this to me?" And then I start trying to outsmart him. I try to figure out ways to fool him into giving him what I want. I analize things to convince him that I've learned what he's teaching. And then mutter through my teeth that he's not helping. If that doesn't work, I beseech on the edge of sobbing, then I try "giving it to him". Which I'm very good at...if it means things go my way. Meanwhile, feeling doubt if he doesn't get on my agenda straight away.
Helps to look at things in perspective, of course. But in my little self absorbed world I find it hard not to feel as if the whole world is falling apart because, with my twenty years experiance, I think my world is.
Real prayer helps. Sometimes the bible helps. But isn't that half the problem? I cry to God to pick me up once I've fallen. then when he stands me up I think "cool," and yell my thanks over my shoulder as I walk away. I'm good now. Let me get busy with life until it throws me another punch in the face.
Punch in the face used loosely here. When he chooses to let me fall down it's pretty light stuff. I just like to look at what I think I should have and whine. I usually don't look at others. My hardknocks look like satin pajamas compared to what some have to go through. And I cringe to think of what a baby I can be about myself.
But, in the end he helps me pull myself up. He takes my hand and gets me there. I can't help but learn things after all. It's just a long slow process.

No comments: