Saturday, September 26, 2009

I'm a weird combination of emotions right now. I can't even place them. I could just call it PSL, post-summer-letdown. I seem to get that more often then PMS.
Mind you, it almost feels like it's still summer out there. It's that beautiful indian summer we get almost every year. Only you don't need to hang at the river to survive. We have had that first fall day, though. The tang in the air and the smell of bonfires...
I don't know what it is. Not doing anything too meaningful. Stuck in this small-town when I tried to escape. Sleeping in a bus as it threatens to get too cold. Packing and picking apples. The fact that eleven people in this house is finally starting to get to me...
Joel took me out on his Dual sport the other day. You forget how beautiful our community is when you only ever bike between my road and town. Absolutely gorgeous. And the mild adrenaline from hopping minor logs or skidding around corners was the top-off.
What am I going to do? Get my English 12. It will be good to be able to focus on that once it arrives. What am I doing just starting simple courses when I'm 23? It was easier to claim I didn't do academics. Do the short-term Commitment-phobe thing.
Why don't I just focus on travel? Rake up the experiences I seem to crave. Why is leaving town so difficult to pull off? Am I running away from investing in relationships?
Renn says he talked with the rest of my siblings about how I have a lot of wounds that only ever scarred over.
What do I really want? And easy pass, maybe. Or essentially to be an adventuring hippy the rest of my life. who knows? Not me.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Summer is over. And I'm still here. That's ok, I guess.
also, often this computer won't let me sign in. That's part of the reason my posts are so sporadic.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I can't get back in the groove. I come on here once in a while, and type what I'm kinda thinking that applies directly to what I'm doing, with absolutely no artistic bent in the least. Things are being rather stressful, because it's not letting me have anything to stress about. I've started a job that was dropped in my lap, and had all my travel plans go rather awry.
Today was my first day as a fruit stand... attendant? Employee? Anyway, I'm working packing apples, stocking peppers, and helping a lot of Albertans. Good place to work. Great boss. Temporary position. At least sort of.
But aren't you supposed to progress with you life as you get older? I could probably have gotten this job if I was 15. That sounds so snotty, and I'm sorry. I love varying my work. And I am greatful for this job. But why? It's not what I meant to do. I'm stuck I think. And I don't just mean on this blog.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Have currently given up on my plans. Not given up on plans all together, but quit trying to make them happen for the moment. It just wasn't working, and I'm still having fun here. I do have one pending request, and that is rooming for a few months with a girl a met in Romania. I contacted her then-boyfriend whom we hung out with a fair bit when we ran into him again in Turkey. There are three of them in the apartment right now, and Sam comes home now and then. I'm oddly, considering the effort it took to try secure the spot, hoping it doesn't go through. Just too much bother. I may end up going to Quebec on a whim at some time anyway. But I really very much don't want to inconvenience anyone.
I remember, at the beginning of the summer, saying that the only thing that I wouldn't be all to readily willing to do was if God wanted me to stay in town. I may be overcoming even that point.
I still don't have any job I want to do. And that's a big one for me. Challenging and possibly meaningful work is important to me. I feel so much better in general when I'm working. Plus, it helps fund all these other escapades I keep embarking on.
I ran into an old co-worker who wants me to housesit in November, so that's one thing to keep in mind. I do have a job opportunity packing apples just for a few weeks. It may not sound challenging and meaningful to you, but it would keep me busy, get me in shape, and be shorterm enough that I wouldn't get bored of it. Also, as much as I say I just want plans and just want to be able to leave, Creston in fall in beautiful, and being part of harvest is meaningful.
So, I don't know right now. I've done some crazy things, like call random Montrealers I barely know. And everything is still up in the air despite my best efforts.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Well, I chose my day. However, two attempts later my order still isn't going through and, as I've called and e-mailed several times, I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm going to have to come up with a different plan. Which is altogether very frustrating. Partly because I already told everybody I was going to leave on the sixteenth. It would really be nice just to have a plan right about now.