"Big girls don't cry."
I spat it out. A reply to a taunt. An answer in place of the one I refused to give. I meant it.
If someone could make me cry I'd feel like they'd won. They'd feel like they'd won. I'd feel weak. I learned to hate crying. Something I never was very good at and something I never did often. I forgot how. I tried to learn to clench my jaw instead. To pound with words well I'd defy the tears.
I'm not sure where I got this from. Society, probably. From a personality that told me I had to always be strong. I'm just not sure what it is about tears that we consider so weak. It's an emotional reaction, isn't it? Why is a natural display of our emotion something to hide?
I still hate crying. I think that's so deeply ingrained it will never change. People who know me can immediately tell you if they've ever seen me cry. It's memorable. Awkward, ugly, uncomfortable. And vulnerable.
I hate feeling vulnerable.
But if I'm going to cry then I still can't stop myself. When my re-channeling doesn't work my eyes well up, my chin quivers and there's not a freaking thing I can do about it.
Big girls don't cry. I'll get there someday.
8 comments:
Is this in some way your hatred for me for finally kicking your butt on WWF? That was a close game. Gotta admit!
Now that is an example of something I wouldn't cry about. :P. Especially after beating you five times in a row.
Of course I'll admit it was close! Three points, was it?
Wow, everyone is playing WWF lol. Kris, as another girl who doesn't want to cry, I totally understand. I hate to seem weak in front of another. Alone, however, I'm much quicker to let the tears fly. Sometimes you need to let it go. Don't hold back and just sob. You'll feel better for it in the long run, just be sure no one is around to call you a wuss. ;)
I can't say that I have the emotional facilities to cry in public... In fact, being in public seems to emotionally stunt me. I have cried though, I know that, when I'm home with my spouse and we're in that emotionally raw, exposed and vulnerable position.
Who said you couldn't punch and cry at the same time?
omg i hate crying too. i jst feel like except someone died, crying is like a sign of weakness :/
thing is, i cnt control my eyes and they love shedding tears lol. sucks big tym to have watery eyes lol
I don't think that there are many pele who like feeling vulnerable, it is kind of scary place to be.I hate crying, I hate feeling like there is just nothing else that I can do. It kind of was the impetus for the theme for bloggerstock this month.
"Who said you couldn't punch and cry at the same time?"
I love this. Who did say that, anyway? It's a good question.
Seems I'm not alone in my learned inhibitions, anyway.
I cry. I hate crying, but it happens all the same.
Sometimes however, a good cry can take a world of problems away.
Still, I hate crying in front of people. It makes me feel weak.
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