Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Skewed Hope

Well, you've been dead a year now.  Is it everything you imagined?

Was it worth it?

I hope you watched your funeral.  I hope you heard the birds singing and saw the eagle soaring above us.  It was nice, you liked the outdoors.  I hope you saw your little sister crying so hard she couldn't read your eulogy.  Did you see your son?  I hope you heard how he broke in pieces when they stopped at your old place and he found your fishing gear.  He was a man about it, though, sitting in the only row.  You better find a way to tell him you love him.  He'll never believe it was enough.

I hope you heard me sing The Climb to my Dad's acoustic guitar.  I personally think it's hilarious that we sang Miley Cyrus in memory of your life.

And afterwards, when people were leaving, we played the song you chose.  Out of a pick-up in the parking lot with the doors open.  Life is beautiful.  I hope you saw the people who cried at your funeral.

And those letters you left.  Rambling on making clear, through the scrawl, the mess you'd made.

Good job.  Way to insult the one person who loved you enough to always welcome you regardless.  Way to maim her because she gave a damn.  Really, Jamie?

I know you came into life poorly, but I know you were lucky with the chances you were given.  And I know you were deeply injured, I'm sorry that you never overcame it.

I cried.  I cried for the waste of life, and the pain you caused everyone else.  I cried because it was sad.

Your death became a monument to your mistakes in life.  Just tell me this.  How could you be so damn selfish?


Allison said...

This one gave me chills Kris.

Jenny said...

This was painful to read.
Bravo for being so honest.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you Kris.

Christy said...

I'm so sorry.

иικκι јо♥ said...

I guess people really don't realize how loved they are and the impact that they have on other lives.

Shinxy said...

He was obviously in too much pain to live. When people die after a long battle with a physical disease, everyone's happy that they're in peace. But after a long battle with mental illness? Well, they were just selfish, weren't they?

I've lost friends to suicide and I'm happy for their decision because I know they're in peace now. I didn't want them to suffer anymore. And my friends have pretty much accepted that that's the way I'm going to go, and they understand why. Having seven or so active mental illnesses with no hope of a cure is pretty torturous.

I know when Mewtwo was in a very dark place, I didn't want him to go. But then I realised that was selfish, because he was in so much pain, and what didn't kill him only made him weaker and now he and everyone around him is suffering, still, rather than it have being ended. Of course I'd be sad if he was gone, but at least he wouldn't be suffering anymore.

I'm a huge believer that everyone should have a right to live, but also a right to die. I have lost the will to live, I'm only alive in fear of hurting people and even then I have times where the pain is too much that it just takes over my brain and I forget that because the thought of being alive terrifies me above all.

I think you should read what Schopenhauer wrote on suicide. I happen to have one of his books next to me, so here's an excerpt.

"Thus we all hear that suicide is the most cowardly of acts, that only a madman would commit it, and similar insipidities, or the assertion that suicide is 'wrong', though it is obvious there is nothing in this world a man has has a more incontestavle right to than his own life and person."

I'm sorry for your loss, but I disagree that suicide is selfish.

Kris said...

Thank-you everyone. I appreciate your comments. This is something I'd been thinking about, obviously, and just wanted to write as an exploration of that.

Shinxy- Thanks for your opinion. I respect that you disagree, and I can see why. What I will acknowledge is that often, when people reach this point, they're not thinking rationally. They simply want a way out.

Jamie's suicide didn't have a terribly deep impact on my life, personally. But I've seen what it did to family that was closer to him. He has a kid. I think he had a responsibility and that to take his life and leave himself for his little sister to find was a denial of that.

Also, any mental instability he had was circumstantial, and could have been avoided with different lifestyle choices.

Having said that, I certainly did not write this to make a point, or pick an argument. It's a study of what I felt and what I observed (I don't see any point in denying emotion).

But thanks for your very valid, and justified, thoughts.

Anonymous said...


I'm sorry for your loss. Truly and deeply.

It's important to write for you and for your feelings. Give vent. Give way.


Kris said...

Thanks Rish. :)

Shinxy said...

Thanks for your maturity Kris :).

I agree, it's not a rational thing. It's done as a last resort, in the spur of the moment really. The train of thought that leads you to attempt to take your life is not like any other thought train. It comes and it's like a huge, fast, out of control freight train.

I agree, he did have a responsibility.

I did really like the post, by the way. Very well written, and you can tell it's from the heart. I know what it's like to lose someone and although you may not have been close, it's still affected you.