Saturday, July 10, 2010

Redneck Style: A Guide

There are a few things to bear in mind when dressing like a redneck.  First of all, the stereotypes are true.  If you think stretched confederate flags and ball caps are a myth, you're wrong.  We believe in sexy, but not so much in subtle.  I believe the correct word for this is "trashy."  Bear in mind that we're not feminists.  However, we can play with the boys, and that's partly why the teenage pregnancy rate is so outrageously high.  It's not all bad, though.

The secret is to stick to key pieces.  The essential will always be the ribbed tank top.  The effect is most effective when it's too tight.  They can be stocked up at Wal-Mart for three bucks a piece.  Logos and racer-backs are encouraged.  For full effect please be sure that lacy bra straps are visible at all times.

Pair this with a denim mini.  Durable and multi-functional this is an important part of every redneck girl's closet.  We especially like that they can be worn for any function from meeting the parents to weddings.  As an alternative daisy dukes make a good replacement.  These are so simple.  All you need is a pair of tight jeans and scissors!  They also work a bit better after you've passed out on the lawn of some house party.

If the brush is too thick, or the weather too chilly for this option ripped jeans are fine.  Also, we really do wear plaid shirts.  We like that the top four buttons can be left undone.  Print hoodies are a good functional option as well.  Don't forget that these can be tied, or slung.  Sweats or pj pants can be worn out shopping, or for 7/11 runs.  These, however, should be paired with low-cut tops and preferable should state "cutie," or similar sentiment across the butt.

Don't forget to accessorize!    Let's start with shoes.  Yes, we believe in heels!  These should mostly be worn during the day.  Say, when on a trip to the hardware store.  For bush parties, brand runners are much more practical.  Uggs are also good in winter.  You'll look pretty lame when, well trying to climb into the back of a lifted pickup to make-out, you slip on a patch of ice with your stilettos.

Jewelery is over rated.  Except piercings.  Belly button studs are hot, and you should have at least three or four piercings in each ear.  The best way to go, however, is tattoos.  There's not really such a thing is too many.  Favourite spots should include ankles, upper breasts, and the ever popular tramp stamp.

Then, the crowning glory.  Long is the norm.  Hair should also be at least streaked blond.  A full on bleach out is more typical.  Straw cowboy hats or trucker caps are also a good option.  Always keep a stock of simple bandannas.  There are several ways to wear them, and they'll always signal that you're up for a little mud bogging.  Also, make-up isn't really necessary except that heavy mascara should be worn at all times, such as when nursing your youngest well waiting for the bus.  It's so easy!  Take care of yourself first.

As you can see, dressing like a redneck has more to do with mindset then anything else.  With a little practice you'll be ready to take on the next bush party or mountain camping trip.  Don't worry about being over the top.  Just follow the simple tips above and you'll be ready to go.

Disclaimer: Even though I used we and us throughout this post I can say, err, most of it doesn't apply to me.
Also, what I learned from this post...  I can't spell accessorize, jewelery or stiletto...
Photo sources: Teethlikeswordsxxtwilightbellaxx, and chell-o on Deviant Art


Coyote Rose said...

I didn't know Canada had rednecks. But they seem to be exactly the same as NC rednecks. Except in the summer a Confederate flag bikini is acceptable wear for every occasion (even church).

Allison said...

Canada does have rednecks - I refer to them as hicks or white trash.

Don't forget hats and shirts from beer cases, Kris.

Shinxy said...

This was hilarious.

It sounds a lot like the dress code of the town I live in. In Australia, we call them bogans.

I'd also like to add, heaps of eyeliner is essential. And fake tan; particularly popular with white-blonde hair. Girls aged 16-24 have to be anorexic looking to be considered attractive. Dresses that barely cover one's ass are particularly popular at pubs. Yes, pubs. Not just clubs.

Boys always wear boardshorts and 'flip flops' (which we call thongs) in summer; some even do in winter. Hoodies are popular for males (and females) in winter.

Kris said...

Haha! I see I'm not the only one who understands this dress code. Bogans... I kinda like that :).

Yes Allison. Of course! White trash is apt, but I tend to differentiate between "hick" and "redneck."

Rose, confederate bikini tops to church? Ok, you win. That's definitely more hardcore then we get.

Sara said...

Wait... do you live in Louisiana, too?