Monday, May 03, 2004

Hello. I didn't get a chance to get on the computer until now since I went to work all morning with my Dad. I was a little worried about how being so physical would go with my sick-worn body. But it was just fine, other then a bit of coughing at first. I also burnt my neck nicely. The back of my neck is really the only part of me that burnt though. I guess burning well crouching in a ditch is a bit different then burning well laying on the beach.
This morning I was busy shovelling dirt and my two-week-flabby shoulders started to burn pathetically. I re-realized that I'll never be a guy (this is the part where you all say, "duh"). I can be a tough girl, I can hold my own, and I can play the part of a tomboy. But in the end I'll still be the female God made me. It's not really fair, at least at first glance. Like, I probably shouldn't aspire to drive cement truck. It's a man's world, through and through. Girls, in general, are smaller, and gigglier and sometimes they look stupider, to my mind, then the guys.
And I think this is why it bugs me. Some women talk about being "feminine". Of "womanly character". And maybe it's because I fight it. Being gentle and everything doesn't attract me. I'd rather play it tough and fight the boys for their own game. However, when you consider it, the "soft character" women are probably the ultimate feminists. The ones who run the show behind the stage, and somehow manage to do it all in their flowing skirts and red lips. Still, I used to hate it in books when the perfectly rough little girl became the "woman she was meant to be", and all were supposed to rejoice.
So what is the advantage of being a woman? Because, ultimately, I would never change (although there were times when I would've considered it). If I can't appreciate gentle feminity then what is there to appreciate? Well, I ask myself, would a guy ever enjoy a good slumber party? The kind where you stay up till 4 talking about everything that passes through ones mind. How many men can curl up with a book and not manage to emerge from it until it's finished? Even the Hardy boys series I loved as a kid. When I climbed trees with the boys, how many got to the top, closed their eyes, and breathed deeply for the pure joy of sitting at the top of a gently swaying tree? There are so many joys in life that I might miss out on were I male. Yet I can still play hockey (although, by chance, I won't be as good). Or tinker under cars, if I want, or yell at the t.v. So maybe I have the best of both worlds.
In the end I stand back and take a good look at myself. I probably am in that group that will forever be considered tomboys. I like to be able to do things for myself and will always compete with the boys, be it in chin-ups or chess. I go a month without washing my hair, to see what happens, and get competitive half-way through a good game of basketball. I can work on a roof or watch a sob show without crying. But when it comes right down to it, and I've already said this, I'll still be the female God made me. And I'm o.k. with that. I'll always be me, the female, the tomboy, the Kristen I'm growing up into. I'll be the rough little girl who grows up into the woman she's meant to be. And it will be exactly the kind of woman that God intended. Maybe never the gentle spirited kind, but maybe the free spirited kind. Whatever it is, It's going to be me. And everything that I am. Because, that's what I'll always be.
Isn't it funny what you think about when you're digging dirt in a ditch?

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