Monday, April 26, 2004

I realized that I'm scared of the future. Actually it's looking pretty tame and very safe for me right now. But I'm still a bit scared.
Not exactly scared as you would normally think of fear. But I'm scared of making the wrong decisions. I'm scared of leaving behind my childhood and my teen years and everything awesome that came along with them. I'm scared of being unhappy. I'm scared of becoming an adult who doesn't see beyond work. I'm scared of getting stuck in a rut.
It's not that I'm scared of stretching out and doing stuff and becoming independent. It's that once I do I can never come back. Once I make commitments I'm committed. Once I get a job I'll always have to work.
It's that I'm looking at a big huge empty horizon. There's absolutely nothing on it and I have to walk out and build it as I go. Right now as I look I don't even see shadows of ideas or aspirations. I want to travel and write and curl up in a cabin on a beach. And those are options that I'll always have. But not necessarily ones that I can follow. Because I'll have the job waitressing that I'll have fought all my hatred of job searching to get. And no training to do anything else. I'm hoping to buy a house here in town. And once I got that, I'm here. I'm stuck without a graduation diploma and with a low sense of confidence that I can succeed at what I want.
It's all looking a little grey and endless and unbroken. And I think that's what I'm scared of.

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